|Gamechanger with Jay Hedley|
How We Communicate with Ourselves
Neuro-linguistic programming, or NLP, is a communication model that plays a key role in The Coaching Room’s Developmental Coaching approach. With this model, we can map how we communicate with ourselves… then how that plays out with others. It’s a developmental model because it maps the structures of the ego and shows us how it is created and maintained. From there it examines how we get ourselves in the way of doing what we already know how to do. In our experience, most people know what they need to do to progress, they just aren’t doing it. The reason they aren’t doing it is because they are letting their ego get in the way.
NLP can also help us examine how a person’s own communication style is holding them back. Without realising it, people often limit the depth of their rapport that builds the trust and care that is required for other human beings to open up and be present with them. As a result, people have difficulty in their conversations trying to get across what they intend to communicate. This is why relationship is so important.
The Structures of Communication
As developmental coaches, we work with clients to look at the structures that surround their communication. Together we begin to pull them apart and examine them. We help people change their structures and their frames, so they can be free and fluid to be themselves without concerns about what other people think of them.
This approach is really different from anything most people have seen. An example of this is our view of winning and losing. Essentially, we like to challenge people to think differently, by showing them that winning and losing are the same thing, simply 2 sides of the same coin. If you are so invested in winning, you may miss the opportunity to learn from your loss. You genuinely need to know how to lose, so that you can learn from your failings and integrate those experiences, so those behaviours don’t show up again. You take what is required out of the experience and allow the rest to drop into the background. This allows you to take your performance to the next level. Losing becomes the most intensive way of learning about yourself as an individual and as a collective team.
Fear of Failure
Performance is critical and paramount, but fear of failure is unnecessary. Fear of failure is one of the structures that gets in the way and stops people from performing. For some, fear of failure is a motivator or even their primary motivation system. With teams, we often see that there is a culture where they beat themselves up after a loss. High-performance teams, however, come together after the event and discuss what they have learned and what they will work on moving forward. They learn as a team and as individuals, so they can grow from their experiences and their pain actually becomes gain.
Both sports teams and corporate organisations need leaders that are objective to the culture because you cannot change what you aren’t aware of. Leaders have to be able to step back to point at the culture and inquire why it exists. If the culture isn’t working and enabling the team to fulfill their potential, the leader needs to be able to appeal to the team for change. The team members need to be invited to take part in the process of change. This requires an understanding of how human beings work in order to connect with them to facilitate their development in a powerful and meaningful way.
Changing the culture starts from the top down. It begins at the senior level where the leadership team clearly identifies what they want in terms of their vision for the team. They need to identify how to engage the team to drive their performance. The process is about everyone at all levels becoming involved collaboratively to put the needs of the team needs first instead of the needs of individuals.
Having Direct Conversations
High quality, specific data enables us to have a different kind of conversation. It enables us to go past opinion and culture and identify leverage points in the system. The data is about the outer game and can be used to have a dialogue that engages the team members. We can then inquire into the inner game of the team member/athlete that is having an impact on the outer game.
Coaches in sport and leaders in companies need to be able to have direct conversations with their teams. They cannot be effective if they cannot have open conversations. Until the person can be with the truth (data tells us a part of the truth), the team member may struggle to integrate and make changes because the ego generally serves its own agenda, and may not allow it. Having these conversations is critical for an organisation’s and or team’s success.
Leadership Starts with Self-Leadership
All leadership starts with self-leadership. It is important to seek out feedback so you can work on your own self. Sometimes, the more successful people become, the less they keep looking at themselves and what they need to work on. Self-leadership is about working on the self, but we cannot see what we cannot see, and we will continue to be blind unless someone helps us. This is when it is helpful to find a developmental coach that can show you how your mind is running outside of your awareness.
A developmental coach is going to be able to hold that up for you to see and encourage you to inquire into it and not stop when it gets tough. The coaches at the The Coaching Room can help you to engage with and relate differently to yourself to awaken you to your true potential. Check out our Developmental Coaching Program here or start with our NLP Practitioner program and connect with our coaches during the course. More info on that below…