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No one can make you – The Coaching Room

How often do you hear the words ‘they make me……’

Have you ever spoken the words, ‘she makes me so angry’?

Or heard someone say ‘he makes me feel happier than I have ever felt’?

‘He/she/they make me……..’ are words spoken on a daily basis. People will often refer to others and hold them responsible for their own emotional state, whether a ‘positive’ or ‘negative’ state, often unconsciously, not realising that no-one can make them feel anything other than they themselves.

For some this is hard to understand or believe after so many years of hearing people speak this way of others, years of social conditioning, years of forming these patterns and attaching meaning to language and years then of blame/crediting others for what ultimately they are responsible for.

The blame game

Blame/psychological projection is the displacement of responsibility and uncomfortable emotions. When blame is projected on to another it can feel good, even a relief in that moment but if not recognised and acknowledged as displacement this can prove destructive for a person in their life. Humans will defend themselves in the face of their own unconscious actions in this way as for some it is easier to say it is another’s fault rather than take responsibility for the feelings they have chosen in that moment. When experiencing anger, upset, feelings of uncertainty, in the face of another/situation people may ask ‘how can it be my choosing to feel this way? Why would I choose to feel this?’

Years of habituated behaviour has enabled these reactions to become the norm, people are stuck believing that they do not have the choice, that surely anyone would feel the same in this situation. Making comparisons such as this will also cause people problems as, yes, there may be many unaware people who would feel this way but by justifying our behaviour based on others we prevent ourselves from developing outside of the ‘norm’.

People then run the risk of becoming a victim, living their life wondering,

‘why is it always me who is in these situations where people make me feel….’.

The victim that they have become is not in fact ‘victim’ to these situations but actually a victim to their own delusion, that they are not in control of their feelings/reactions. Some become so strongly identified with being a victim and in the blame game that they struggle through life. They struggle to trust and are extremely under-responsible for themselves, trapped in their own illusionary world that everyone is against them.

‘They make me so happy’

Perceived as  a ‘positive’ state, crediting others for your emotions/states is in fact also destructive.

‘They make me happy, they make me feel complete, they make me come alive’. Have you heard these words being spoken? Maybe you have said these? As before, it is unhealthy to credit others for making us feel this way.

When someone new comes into your life, a new friend, a new relationship, how often have you thought it is because of them that you are smiling more? How you have suddenly found motivation that you haven’t had for a while, how you spring out of bed in the morning? Are these feelings permanent or do they pass after a few weeks/months? If they do change, why do you think that is? Perhaps after a time you go back to feeling as you did before? So how can that be when they are still in your life – why are they no longer making you feel as good as when you first met?

And how about the words:

‘If I were rich I would feel much happier’. This is not an uncommon statement but again this is displacement of happiness on something outside of yourself and is not true.

Perhaps temporarily we may feel happier in these situations with new people in our lives, more money, but the reality is if we had struggles before this coming into our lives which we had not brought awareness to then at some point these struggles will resurface until acknowledged in their full truth.

Who holds your power?

The question here then is, who holds your power, your power over your feelings, your state, over you? Is it possible that this is you? Are you able to choose how you react in situations where someone has said/done something you may not agree with? And is your reaction dependent on: how you are feeling that day? Who the person is? What is going on in your life at that particular time? Are you perhaps triggered by something from your past in that situation which you are unconsciously reminded of? Have you ever taken the time to consider this when triggered by people/situations which you have in the moment blamed them for?

So how would it feel to be able to have the choice? To be able to respond rather than react. What are we doing when we are blaming another for the way we are affected. What is this deflection in service of and who really are we hurting when we are allowing ourselves to be bothered by this?

Waiting for someone to complete, heal, make you happy presupposes that you are not already this. To believe that you are not this and need someone to make this possible for you is a problem. Know that you are perfect as you are and that a partner is someone you want rather than need. When we are coming from a place of need, expectations come into play, we wait for change in ourselves in the face of them not realising we are not going to find it there.

This is not to say that you should not notice how you are feeling in the moment or that what has happened is right or ok but how about instead of displacing responsibility, you own that you have chosen to feel this way. How would it feel to sit with these feelings and identify where these are coming from. What it might really be that is causing this in the moment. Is there something that has been repressed within you which you can now recognise and release? To be able to own your personal power is a true representation of a movement towards self-realisation, self actualisation, where you maximise your full potential in taking full responsibility for you.

Cost response

In the realisation of your personal power, relationships will inevitably change. When you are no longer affected and reacting, rather responding, people in your life may also act differently in the face of you, so what is the cost to you of your new found response?

Cost response talks to, how some relationships with people in our lives will change as we change. Once we take responsibility, tensions which previously existed will dissipate and so this is the cost for our response. Other relationships may shift so we are no longer as close to that person. People can find it difficult to adjust to your adjustment. Relationships may no longer be as before when you are no longer invested in the same way and have moved away from this way of existing. You are operating at a later stage of consciousness now, which they cannot relate to. This is the cost response. Perhaps you also now choose not to sabotage your personal power to maintain ‘harmonious’ relationships.

Imagine the freedom in making yourself feel..

Instead of blaming and crediting others for our reactions, feelings, emotional states for how we show up in the world, how about sitting with these as they arise in the moment or perhaps in reflection if we don’t catch them yet there and then. Developing ourselves from them. Don’t ignore them if they are there. To really be able to understand what belief structures underlie these we must face them as they arise. With a true understanding of these we have the opportunity to find acceptance and even let go all that is limiting us and keeping us stuck.

Choose to feel this way and be aware that YOU are making yourself feel, in the presence of this person/situation. You feel happy when this person is in your life because you choose to feel happy in the face of them, not because they have made you feel happy. You know that when you feel angry this is because you have decided to feel this. The likelihood is that the more aware you are now of the control you have over you the less you will experience the rollercoaster of emotions you previously did. You are now subjective to your objective and even in the moments when those same emotions arise you can observe these knowing that they are your choosing.

So Instead of saying ‘you make me feel upset’ try ‘I feel upset when this happens’ and ask yourself ‘why do I feel this in this moment?’. By no longer looking outside of yourself and holding someone else responsible but in taking this responsibility perhaps you can work through this without the other person to make you feel better.

Disruption and discomfort may arise as you begin to transform the inner game, yourself. Know that this is part of the process and by taking yourself to the edge of your comfort zone there is the opportunity of freedom on the other side, your full potential. As you change your inner world the outer world will inevitably change too, relationships will change as you discover the possibility of you and the freedom available here.

The responsibility is yours and yours alone!


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